Sunday Scaries: Are you an askhole?

Years ago I managed someone who developed this infuriating habit.

It took a while for me to realise what was happening as it was a cyclical series of events over a few months.

Stage 1 was they would feel stuck with something. They were trying hard and putting in the effort but weren’t getting the results.

Usually their first solution was simply try harder. Keep doing the same things that weren’t working but more of them for longer.

Stage 2 was they’d reach their teether and come to me for advice.

I’d work through the problem, their current approach and then make 1-2 suggestions on things to try to get the effort translating into results.

Stage 3 is where the frustration begins.

They would get a little taste of results from what they had been doing, not enough to change course but a blip that would signal to them they what they had been doing all along was correct and they just needed to be patient.

But the results weren’t enough, so once that microdose had passed, they were essentially back to Stage 1.

And they hadn’t tried or implemented any of the advice I’d given them at Stage 2.

So they were an Askhole.

Asking for advice but not taking the advice or doing the opposite.

Doing this once I wouldn’t have a problem with as maybe you deemed the advice I’ve given you as crap or not right for you. Entirely possible, no one knows everything about everything.

But when they then come back, often asking the same questions and seeking the same advice, that’s when I want to start doing this:

I would raise it with them, ask them what they had implemented from my advice but there were always excuses, always a justification about what was working for them, bad luck, lack of time.

So while the Askhole made me want to put on leather pants and crane kick them just like Kim K, as I’ve gotten older, wiser and greyer I’ve also realised I was equally responsible in the cycle.

As their Manager, the things I didn’t do well enough to prevent this cycle:

1. Document our 1:1s. They should be able to refer back to what we’ve discussed and not be expected to memorise our conversations.

2. More regular checks ins. I don’t like to micromanage and give people space to do their role but when helping someone through a problem, we should have been catching up more frequently.

3. Measurable goals. Instead of saying “do these things” I should have given clearer expectations such as “do 5 of these things every day”. My idea of a lot or little could be very different to theirs.

4. Called our their behaviour more directly. This would have been easier with the first 3 points in place, less “I think you’re an Askhole” and more “we agreed to these things (points to document) and you didn’t hold up your end of the agreement”.

They were still an Askhole, but I allowed them to be one.